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45 reviews on file, averaging 2.9 stars. The panel stands by all of them.
A free, no-entry-fee extreme sport played annually across every footpath in the country. Equipment: a bike helmet with cable ties on top and unshakeable regret about all your life choices. Bonus points for style if you scream.
Delivered an unwanted, full five-star dramatic performance at 7am on a Tuesday. Reviewer has since showered exclusively with the lights on, the door open, and a broom within arm's reach. One star, would not recommend the surprise.
Fictional, aggressive, vegemite-repelling koalas maintained as a bit by an entire nation for well over a century, at considerable collective effort. The single longest-running prank on Earth. Full marks for commitment alone.
Introduced in 1935 to solve a beetle problem. Did not solve the beetle problem. Solved absolutely nothing. Ninety years of quiet, hopping regret across an entire state.
A prehistoric-looking bird with excellent posture and appalling table manners, capable of removing an entire sandwich from your hand with a single, unbothered lunge.
Arrived to play the front nine. Discovered forty kangaroos had already claimed the green, and were, by all appearances, not interested in negotiating a tee time.
Present at every rock pool in the country, describing a creature the reviewer has never once seen, and yet remains permanently, deeply, and appropriately terrified of.
An entire, apparently very active, wrestling federation operating directly above the bedroom ceiling every single night, with no regard for tenancy agreements or basic quiet hours.
A well-known, deeply respected national folklore rule, checked religiously, feared universally, and confirmed true just often enough to justify the ritual entirely.
Encountered near a regional petrol station, standing with the quiet, judgmental confidence of a creature that has personally seen several empires fall.
Arrived as a small, charming flock. Left with the entire deck chair reduced to a pile of white wood shavings, achieved with the calm precision of a demolition crew on smoko.
A slow, unbothered local celebrity who has claimed the tomato bed as personal property and is, frankly, more entitled to it than the reviewer at this point.
An aerial assault force operating with military precision the exact moment the sun begins to set, rendering the entire backyard uninhabitable within ninety seconds flat.
A genuine, four-legged unit, entirely unbothered by headlights, horns, or the concept of right of way. Waited it out. Would wait again. Full respect.
Executed a precise, mid-air chip theft directly from an open hand, then landed nearby to make unbroken eye contact for the remainder of lunch. Bold. Unapologetic. Effective.
Produces a song of genuine musical sophistication from a fence post, makes direct and unsettling eye contact, and has never once attacked anybody. Doing everything right. Receives none of the attention.
A widely endorsed folk remedy involving fourteen cable ties, producing a helmet resembling a sea urchin and providing no measurable protection whatsoever. The magpie was, if anything, insulted.
Discovered at 100km/h in the right-hand lane. Vehicle evacuated at the next rest stop. Spider not located. Car has now been surrendered to the spider. Considering public transport permanently.
Once arriving in December in such numbers that they bounced off the flyscreen all evening. Now largely absent, and noticed only by people over 40 who mention it every year with genuine sadness.
A magnificent native bird performing a call of genuine ecological significance directly outside the bedroom window forty minutes before the alarm. Beautiful. Iconic. Completely unwelcome at that hour.
Australia's most famous animal, observed by four million tourists annually in a state of total unconsciousness twelve metres up a tree. Has never once been awake for a photo. Commitment respected.
Faded, bullet-marked, and reading simply that crocodiles inhabit this area, beside which four people are cheerfully launching a tinnie. Everyone has read it. Nobody has changed their plans.
Relocated four cubic metres of mulch, two established plants, and an irrigation line into a single enormous heap overnight. Protected by law. Undeterred by fencing. The garden now belongs to the turkey.
Objectively false and offered as comfort by someone standing considerably further away than the reviewer. The snake was not scared. The snake was extremely comfortable. I was on a chair.
Turned up in shorts and thongs, picked up a two-metre eastern brown with a hook and a bag, made small talk about the weather, and charged $150. Worth every cent. Possibly not enough.
Four hundred moths admitted through a single briefly-opened door, now distributed evenly across every light fitting, curtain, and cereal box in the residence. Vacuum cleaner deployed. Vacuum cleaner overwhelmed.
Approximately two centimetres of pure grievance, capable of running sideways, jumping, and holding what can only be described as a grudge. Stood near its nest. Paid for it for four days.
Ten thousand bats occupying eleven trees, generating a smell of considerable presence and a noise best described as continuous. Ecologically vital. Locally contentious. Nothing will be done.
Stood on something invisible in ankle-deep water and produced a noise not previously made by an adult male in public. Hot water was applied. The advice about vinegar was, apparently, wrong.
A siren sounded and four hundred people left the water at a speed no swimming coach has ever achieved. Eleven people stayed in. They are not with us today, metaphorically. Everyone was fine.
Traversed two lanes over approximately four minutes while a queue of eleven vehicles waited without a single horn. Absolute right of way. Total indifference to the inconvenience caused.
Arrives nightly to excavate approximately forty precise conical holes across an otherwise respectable lawn, in search of grubs, and departs before dawn without acknowledgement of any kind.
Silent for ninety seconds, then directly at the ear. Lights on: gone. Lights off: returned. This continued for two hours. It was eventually located on the ceiling at 2:40am. Justice was served.
Approaches with an audible engine note, lands with no subtlety, and bites through what the reviewer had assumed was reasonably thick denim. Cannot be swatted. Has never been swatted.
Approximately 1.6 metres of prehistoric confidence moving directly between two tents and a camp chair, entirely uninterested in the four adults who have climbed onto the picnic table.
A ground-dwelling bird capable of reproducing camera shutters, car alarms, and construction equipment with unsettling accuracy. Deeply impressive. Slightly concerning. What has it heard out there.
Arrived with half a loaf and was informed by a nine-year-old with a laminated sign that bread is now prohibited. The ducks disagreed strongly. The nine-year-old held the line. Correctly.
Depicting a large blue bird next to instructions to back away slowly and hide behind a tree. Not reassuring. Extremely specific. Have not stopped thinking about it since.
Discovered at 2am by torchlight in a Queensland bathroom, sitting with complete composure and no apparent intention of leaving. Relocated by cup. Returned within two days. Now a permanent fixture.
Consumed forty percent of a season's fruit, dropped the remainder on the car, and made a sound at 3am that suggested an argument was under way. The mangoes were excellent. What was left of them.
A method involving no equipment, no licence, and no skill whatsoever, refined by children in farm dams for eight decades. Caught eleven. Released eleven. Perfect afternoon.
Lifted the lid, propped it with a foot, walked along the rim, and distributed the contents across the driveway with the confidence of a bird that has done this before and will do it again.
Arrived beside the chair, made direct eye contact, and waited with total patience for a chip that was never going to be surrendered. Held the position for nine minutes. Genuinely impressive resolve.
Three hours at sea, considerable seasickness, and one distant splash that the crew described with great enthusiasm as definitely a whale. It was not definitely a whale. Two stars for the effort.
Selected the least sheltered patch of open ground available, laid eggs directly on it, and now defends a twelve-metre radius against every human, dog, and mower with airborne fury and a spur.